Hugh Hefner’s Life was Proof that Jerking Off is Healthy

I woke up this morning like the rest of you shocked, but not surprised, that Hugh Henfer met his fate at the ripe old age of 91. Reports stated that he died of natural causes. Again, not shocking. Why not shocking you ask?

Hef’s life was subjective proof that the center of vitality and a long life is blowing a few loads (minimum) per week, if not more. Scientifically, we know that climaxing just eviscerates stress hormones and releases relaxing endorphins that could put a manic crackhead into a tranquil, sleepy state. But it’s more than that. It’s making that feeling a way of life. It’s building a mansion that exemplifies how one should feel about themselves 24/7.

Hef made it okay to sneak one or two tugs a day, as his Playboy Empire became a way of life for many 13 year old kids. He was a jerkoff pioneer and as he got older, I knew in my heart of heart’s that this fucker (literally) was going to outlive most his age just for the sheer fact that he was constantly surrounded by good trim that were making sure he had an empty tank at all times. So tonight, when you’re done ripping one off to Porn Hub and you’re in that sleepy relaxing daze, never forget who started this empire. Heroes get remembered, but legends never die.

RIP Hef.

-Martin MacFly-