Is the New Lara Croft Hot Enough..?

The Year was 1997..I was living in a bathroom closet at a buddies house. Now you would think a fat and awkward homeless teenager would do well with the ladies, but you’d be wrong. For the past year all i heard from all of my gamer friends was how awesome Tomb Raider was on playstation. After some serious overtime at the pizza shop i worked at, i decided to say fuck it and buy a copy of Tomb Raider 2 as soon as it came out. Needless to say Lara’s warm accent and giant cans spoke to me in a way no other media had. My shitty life was put on hold every time i picked up the controller and got the camera just right so you could stare at the digital cleavage.

Besides great action, exploring, and climbing what would you say was the element that made Tomb Raider a smash hit..? TITS! TITS! TITS! …….I’M TALKING ABOUT HER TITS! People weren’t doing over the pantsies mid gaming session when Mario saved the Princess ….People weren’t cranking off to metroid when you found out Samus was a broad…This in a lot of way’s was a Huge thing for video games. Making video game characters sexy….I never wanted to bang Ms.Pacman, but the continuous moaning and groaning as the camera was zoomed into Lara’s Crotch was a different story

When the time came for Lara to come to life on the silver screen expectations were sky high. Many people built up the image of Lara Croft as the hottest woman alive..and who was the hottest woman alive in 2001 …Sweet Angelina Jolie! The movie in my opinion wasn’t so hot but as far as the casting goes…Perfect…Watching Angelina Run, climb, jump, and shoot just seemed right. Video game movies have alway’s been pretty wonky, but these days video games look almost as good if not better than an actual movie.

After years of people bitching about Lara Croft objectifying women….(TITS! TITS! TITS!) because of her Huge rack and hourglass figure, They decided to reboot the video game series in 2013 with a more “Realistic” Lara for the new age. What we got was a younger Lara with a solid b-cup, functional tush and some unbelievable gameplay. Lara was now sporting more of a “Regular girl” vibe but the new Lara was well received and sold over 16 million units worldwide

So now it’s time to film the reboot movie and the casting director definitely didn’t use the same theory as the 2001 film. Who the fuck is Alicia Vikander..? I mean she won an Oscar for her role in some Swedish drama i’ll never watch but who gives a shit. She looks nothing like the video game version of the character that she’s supposed to portray . I could see maybe going the “Wonder Woman” route and cast a relatively unknown smoke show, but this girl looks like the cute girl you saw on the train…not the hottest girl on the planet

The original Lara was a full bodied voluptuous woman with thick thighs. This broad looks like a Crossfit zombie that skipped lunch today and does 5k’s on the weekend. I guess in 2017 that’s the new sexy? Not to mention that Giraffe neck she’s got in the movie poster (shit is getting ripped apart on twitter) She looks like an assistant manager at a Barne’s and Noble’s that posts snap chat puppy faces on the reg…not Lara Croft. Of course there’s people out there that are into that look…and there’s not anything wrong with that, But when i think of Lara Croft i don’t think of the broad that gives out the helmets when you go zip lining.

Of course i will have to see the whole movie, which as far as looking like the game….it looks great ….too bad the star of it doesn’t. As of now she doesn’t even give me a wiggle down there….. when the playstation one version from 1997 had me smuggling pencils