When Comedy Turns Into Tragedy (I Pissed in the Kitchen Sink)

Source: https://sleepfoundation.org/sleep-disorders-problems/abnormal-sleep-behaviors/sleepwalking

The prevalence of sleepwalking in the general population is estimated to be Between 1% and 15%. The onset or persistence of sleepwalking in adulthood is common, and is usually not associated with any significant underlying psychiatric or psychological problems. Common triggers for sleepwalking include sleep deprivation, sedative agents (including alcohol), febrile illnesses, and certain medications.

The prevalence of sleepwalking is much higher for children, especially those between the ages of three and seven, and occurs more often in children with Sleep apnea. There is also a higher instance of sleepwalking among children who experience bedwetting. Sleep terrors are a related disorder and both tend to run in families. Sleepwalking is most often initiated during deep sleep but may occur in the lighter sleep stages of NREM, usually within a few hours of falling asleep, and the sleepwalker may be partially aroused during the episode.

In addition to walking during deep sleep, other symptoms of sleepwalking include:

  • Sleep Talking
  • Little or no memory of the event
  • Difficulty arousing the sleepwalker during an episode
  • Inappropriate behavior such as urinating in closets (more common in children)
  • Screaming (when sleepwalking occurs in conjunction with sleep terrors)
  • Violent

Its fair to say the whole concept of sleep walking is hilarious. You’re technically sleeping, but you can’t control what you’re doing. Its Like going to the R- Rated Hypnotist but you don’t have to spend $20 to see some washed up piece of shit make other people do stupid shit…they just do it.

I never really had many incidents as a kid. I would say I had the rubber sheets on the bed for a little longer than most kids, but there was never anything reported of me walking around or do anything crazy. In my teens i started developing a sleeptalking habit, and in my twenties i developed a drinking habit

People who crashed at my house or let me have sex with them would say that I wouldn’t shut the fuck up in my sleep. Next I was on to freestyle rapping in my sleep, my former roommate said i had a hot month of busting freestyles all night and then out of nowhere it stopped (Actually i got a girlfriend, basically stopped drinking and pretended like i was gonna get my shit together)

I had never seen a sleepwalker in front of my face till a fateful October morning when my roommate flung open my door fully naked with his eyes closed. I hid under the covers like I had just seen the boogie monster. The feeling of knowing there’s a sleepwalking maniac with his dick hanging out feet away is a feeling I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy.

I honestly felt horrible for my poor roommate who was already kinda socially awkward in general. That was probably one of the last times I actually saw him. He moved out weeks after the incident. As terrible as I felt for him and the naked situation, I still had to break his balls about it without mercy. He knew that I was doing it out of love…but it was still just too damn embarrassing for him.

The next several years sailed by as did the memory of my sleeptalking past till my most recent roommate would catch me talking it up when I passed out on the couch. It was then that I started a new chapter in my life as a member of the Italian Americans Citizens Club. I was drinking at least 5 nights a week at this point, but bocce night started becoming a problem.

I would wake up Thursday mornings with a half eaten pastrami on my chest, chicken fingers in the bed, and a piss bottle on the night stand. I started becoming cautious at that point because my room was literally right next to the bathroom. Why the hell would I be using piss bottles if I could almost hit the toilet from my bed.

It was then that I met my girlfriend, who drinks just as much as me. For some reason I felt like I had to put up championship numbers to prove my worth. Then about a year into our relationship came the first of several incidents. It was after a long night at the bar that I awoke wearing one of my girlfriends hoodies and no pants. I got out of bed only to see my entire outfit from the night before, balled up and drenched.

At first I thought maybe I just spilled my bottle of water or knocked a few beers off the shelf. Nope…it was piss….Hot hobo piss. Out of sheer embarrassment I blamed the dog. The dog actually wasn’t in the room at the time of the pissing so she was off the hook as a suspect, Not to mention the room was locked the entire night. I finally had to admit that I was no worse than my old naked roommate.

Now two and a half years later I’ve probably clocked in with at least between 7-10 incidents ranging from pissing in the corner of the room to pissing in laundry baskets. The ball busting I receive doesn’t stop for a good few day’s but nothing I can’t handle. Unfortunately at this stage in the game I’m out of remorse and not at all embarrassed when I damn well should be. Then……I pissed in the kitchen sink full of beer cans.

I am racking my brain trying to figure out a failsafe for this little issue I got going….I could stop drinking….(hahahahahaha) Not gonna happen but it did make the list of possible solutions. I would be a liar if I told you that I wasn’t looking at the leaps and bounds that rubber sheets have made since the 80’s. I was impressed but this is not the answer either.

The immediate solution isn’t perfect, but it’s a solution nonetheless. I’m just gonna start sleeping in the guest room when I’m shitfaced and hope for the best…After all they just say that alcohol COULD cause sleep urination, but there’s no solid scientific evidence. I’ll just use the same mantra that criminals use…. “If there’s no witnesses….It never happened”